I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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