She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
ya i guess you have to take things with a grain of salt in a place where nipple clamps are the norm..
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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