He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
