You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
