I wish I could teleport
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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