I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
