There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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