well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
