when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
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