Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
