at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Randomize
