____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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