Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize