I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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