I think im going to throw up on grandma
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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