You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
I literally put my pussy on his sideburns, it was awkward
There's a lil minaj in everyone
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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