He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
