Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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