her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Randomize
