So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
i dont even know how to be here
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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