did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
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