i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Randomize
