No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
my liver is dry heaving
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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