Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
