My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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