Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
