Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
