I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
