just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
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