i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
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