Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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