Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
