Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
