I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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