Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
