don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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