I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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