so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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