Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
?
Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
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