As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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