I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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