There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
