I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
