Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
