Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
