The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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