Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
