He said they were doing a skit in class apparently someone else is dressed like a horse. Ive never felt more proned to skipping class than now
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Randomize
