Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
if only i could text you this smell
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
