Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Boobs speak an international language.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
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