Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
