I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
