he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
